No one wants to hear those words. Not if you’re young, old, or middle-aged. It doesn’t matter who you are. Cancer is no respecter of age, nationality, religion, color or creed. It’s the disease from hell. It can eat away at your brain, your organs, your skin, your muscles. It can deform, debilitate, and even kill.
I had noticed a small lump on the side of my neck. I thought nothing of it. One lump grew to three and three to several. My primary care physician ordered an x-ray. Things did not look good. A close doctor friend recommended a well-respected oncologist. They took blood tests and ordered scans which revealed that I indeed did have the dreaded disease…large B cell non-Hodgin’s lymphoma. Further tests showed that the cancer had spread throughout my entire
body.
What can I do…what should I do…what can be done? The floodgates of doubt and fear opened wide. Is it treatable? Is it terminal? Am I going to die? This was stage three cancer and it demanded immediate and aggressive treatment. Well-intentioned individuals recommended a variety of treatments, some experimental. I took the traditional medical pathway of chemotherapy.
During my several months of chemotherapy, which happened to be during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, my loving wife cared for me, and God gave me the strength to endure the chemo treatments and numerous oral medications. I felt terrible. I felt like dying. The side effects were horrible, and I worried about the risk of long-range aftereffects. The love and prayers of family, friends, my church, and the mercy and faithfulness of the Lord kept me going. Here is the verse that brought sanity to my situation and comfort to my soul: “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you.”
(Isaiah 41:13)
It was difficult to do anything…to eat, to sleep…to think. I managed to drag myself into the music room and sat down at the piano. I picked up a pencil as musical ideas began filling my head. There were so many things I could not do, but I could do this. I could compose. And so, I did. God in His wisdom and grace showed me that although it seems impossible, beauty can be born out of pain. Suffering can become a conduit for creativity. When you are sick, really sick, the purpose of life and the reality of death become magnified. And God is the one who holds the key to both. This is why I chose the sacred ancient prayer, God Be in My Head to set to music to be sung by church choirs and choral music groups:
God be in my head,
And in my understanding;
God be in mine eyes,
And in my looking;
God be in my mouth,
And in my speaking;
God be in my heart,
And in my thinking;
God be at mine end,
And at my departing.
As I progressed through the process of healing, this prayer was a reminder to keep God at the center of all I think, do and say. During this difficult time, I also wrote several other sacred choral pieces. I focused on the person, nature and attributes of God. As I did, I was reminded of my mistakes, my weaknesses, and my sins, and of God’s perfect holiness. I opened my Bible to the book of Revelation and read chapter 4, verse 8, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come!” Inspired by this truth, I wrote the choral anthem, “Holy is the Lord,” with lyrics based on this scripture verse. The music is written in the Key of C minor, which expresses the majesty, power, and holiness of God. This powerful theme, which begins and ends the piece is juxtaposed to the B section, which is softer, more understated, and sung by women’s voices, which gives an angelic feel to the piece.
Then there were days when it was too difficult to think and to find the right lyrics to write…when words were not enough. Just one word would have to do. One word of submission of surrender, of praise and adoration… Alleluia. This choral anthem is written for SATB choir and has a section where the women’s voices are divided into SSAA, creating a dramatic interpretation to the simple text.
I’ve been in remission for over three years now, for which I am immensely grateful, and it is my prayer that others will experience hope and encouragement in the sacred choral works which I have written.
